A Letter to my Ex(friend)

Dear Ex,

Hey. Well it's been awhile since we spoke. I really don't know what's going on in your life at all these days, seeing as we've removed each other from our Instagram and you got a new Facebook account. How are you doing? How are things in your new life, your new relationship(s), your new home?

I miss talking to you. I guess we may have talked less seeing as we don't live in the same place anymore, but still. I miss having you be just a text or phone call away.

You haven't seen my family in awhile. They're beautiful and amazing. I'm sure yours is awesome, too. It would be nice to meet them.

This is hard. I actually do want to know how you are doing, because I still care about you. A lot. Years of my life spent in your company is apparently not something I can get over in a short amount of time. But even if you answered these questions I would have a really hard time believing what you said. I'd hope you'd tell me the truth. I always thought you were before though and look where that has gotten me.

I probably could still message you if I wanted. But I feel like if I did that somehow that would be telling you that it's okay, that the way you treated me is fine and there shouldn't be consequences. That is not the case. No one should ever be put through what you put me through.

Sometimes when I go out I wonder what I would say if I ran into any mutual friends that we had. I kind of wish that I would see someone, so if they asked about you I could tell them what you did. 

But also I really hope that I don't run in to anyone because I don't want to tell anyone what you did. I'm somehow still protective of you, even after everything.

Sometimes I really really want someone to ask me about what happened so I could tell them everything. All the details. I would feel so validated to have someone be shocked and appalled with/for me. It would be so nice to have an excuse to cry about what happened, because I guarantee there would be tears in the retelling.

I'm still really struggling, like really really, with the way things ended. I don't feel...closure? Like you took pieces of me and crushed them and walked away and there was no difference in your life. I obviously can't tell for sure, since we don't communicate, but I guess it would be nice to know that somehow you are sad or miss me, too.

I'm sure therapy would help. Not as much as it would help you, but we already know that asking you, no begging you, to get help doesn't do a damn thing.

I am angry. At you. At what you did. At the fact that I'm having such a hard time getting over it.

What really sucks is that I would love to close with some promise of someday, like "maybe someday we can be friends again." I can't say that because realistically I know that will probably never happen. I think that is part of what makes this harder, that this really is it. Minus the pretend conversations that I have with you in my head, there is no future for us.

You were one of my best friends. I know you know that.

I really do wish you the best. And I'm sorry.

Lisa