If I Could Turn Back Time

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and share sage bits of wisdom with myself as a kid. Just to let kid-me know that being  kid is awesome and I/she/we should relish it. Or just for fun to see what kid-me was like from a grown-up perspective.

Some useful advice for Lisa, from Lisa of THE FUTURE:

Bedtimes are good for you.

You will never be a morning person, just accept it and move on.

Your friend who said she likes to eat raw butter was lying. No one likes that.

Even though you think having 3 purple "Pied Piper" shirts and wearing a different one every day means you're wearing a different shirt every day, to the rest of the world you are just wearing the same shirt. every. single. day.

Don't try to lie to your parents. You are the worst liar in the world (along with Jen and Holly) and they always know the truth. (To this day I don't know how they know, they just do!)

Swearing does not make you as rebellious as you think it does. (I'm not encouraging children swearing, just in case that's what you thought was happening here.)

When Adam gives you a bite of his food and says, "Try it, it's a Chinese vegetable." It is definitely NOT a Chinese vegetable. Also, your mom sitting there watching it happen will not warn you because she thinks it's funny.

Try a mango. It's a fruit.

Use your wishes on something other than a puppy. Maybe that way they'll come true.

Sleepovers are overrated.

Participate in some extracurricular activities.

The ocean is just as scary and awesome as you always imagined.

Don't stress about not being able to roller skate. Running around in socks is almost as fun.

I'm lying, roller skating is way more fun. Stop being such a scaredy cat.

Practice your aim. A lot of problems could be avoided if you can have better aim.

Staying up all night to read is usually worth it. Staying up all night to watch TV rarely is.

When you are sitting in the tree in the front yard singing at the top of your lungs, people can hear you. 

If a tree falls in the rainforest, a bug does NOT die in Europe.

Some Democrats do drive minivans.

Semis will get in your lane a lot. Just wait for them to move over, they will.

Buckle your seatbelt.

A great way to get out of school is to get hit by a car. (Just kidding.) (Kind of.)

Kelli will get less annoying as you both get older. So just let her hug you already.

Go get 'em, Lisa.

(PS I just watched a man outside my window try to get in the wrong car. He realized after several unsuccessful attempts that his car was the silver car next to the one he was trying to enter. I'm dying laughing at this man and he will never know it.)

How Have You Changed in the Last 2 Years?

I feel like I've changed more in the past 3 years of being married than I have in any other 3 years of my life. I feel that way, even though it's probably not true. 

Changes come so gradually that I feel like it's hard to pinpoint exactly how things have changed, but there are some big changes that I feel like are noticeable. At least to me.

I've been feeling really negative about myself lately so some of the changes I know about are because I wish they are things that hadn't changed and I would to go back to the way I was before, or actually a more improved version of what I was before. Am I even making sense?

Things that have changed (that I wish hadn't)

My weight
My style
My ability to be funny
My relationships with my friends (see previous post...)

Things I'm doing to fix these things

1. I have lost 13 pounds since February. This is nowhere near my overall goal, but I'm trying. I did a few weeks of a program called Take Shape for Life and that really got the weight loss started but it wasn't a great sustainable program for me because I struggled a lot with a lack of variety. So now I'm using MyFitnessPal to track calories and I'm using Runkeeper to do a 5k training program. I would really like to do yoga again, because it's one of my favorite exercises.
2. My style issues really are directly related to #1. I've been boycotting purchasing new clothes because I don't want to accept that this is the size that I am. I have all my old clothes, both pre-pregnancy Mara and pre-pregnancy Mo. I don't want to throw out all of my "skinny" clothes because I hope to get back to that point at some point in my life, hopefully sooner than later. I'm close to breaking though and just buying new stuff. The difficult thing is...and I realize this is a bit ridiculous...I don't know how to dress this body to make it look/feel good. I've never been this size and even though I know there are lots of options for all shapes and sizes, I just don't know how to do it.  But I do try to dress relatively nicely for work, which is a little helpful.
3. I think this has to do partly with my change from being single/childless to being married/mother. I am in no way blaming my amazing children or my fantastic husband. This is alllll me. It's hard for me to balance being a wife/mother with being my own person. This year (as in calendar year 2014) I have done a few things to try and improve myself to help me feel like a unique individual. Holly and I took an adult swim class earlier this year because neither of us had ever learned how to swim. Like pretty much at all. The class was twice a week for 8 weeks and it was really great. We only really got to learn one style of swimming but I really learned a lot and it felt so good to take a class and learn something new. Bonus: I may have a better shot at surviving the apocalypse!
4. This one is kind of tough. It is pretty hard to stay close with friends who are different points in their lives, meaning mostly that I have kids and they don't. This is something that as a couple Hondo and I have had a difficult time with since living in Utah. Lately we've really been thinking we should move to Salt Lake because it is so much less of a bubble than the Provo/Orem area. Orem is a great place to live but we haven't found our niche here. We are trying though. I've been trying to make some new friends to add to the old. 

I'm blessed in many ways. My relationships with my siblings are still strong and they truly are the best friends that I have. I'm pretty healthy overall minus the weight issue, which I'm working on. My girls are my world and I just want to spend all the days with them that I possibly can. Hondo and I are going strong and are looking forward to our trip to Ireland in a few weeks. Things are good and the past two  years have been full of trials and blessings but I wouldn't really change my life if I had the chance. If I work hard I can change those few things that I'm not happy with.

A Letter to my Ex(friend)

Dear Ex,

Hey. Well it's been awhile since we spoke. I really don't know what's going on in your life at all these days, seeing as we've removed each other from our Instagram and you got a new Facebook account. How are you doing? How are things in your new life, your new relationship(s), your new home?

I miss talking to you. I guess we may have talked less seeing as we don't live in the same place anymore, but still. I miss having you be just a text or phone call away.

You haven't seen my family in awhile. They're beautiful and amazing. I'm sure yours is awesome, too. It would be nice to meet them.

This is hard. I actually do want to know how you are doing, because I still care about you. A lot. Years of my life spent in your company is apparently not something I can get over in a short amount of time. But even if you answered these questions I would have a really hard time believing what you said. I'd hope you'd tell me the truth. I always thought you were before though and look where that has gotten me.

I probably could still message you if I wanted. But I feel like if I did that somehow that would be telling you that it's okay, that the way you treated me is fine and there shouldn't be consequences. That is not the case. No one should ever be put through what you put me through.

Sometimes when I go out I wonder what I would say if I ran into any mutual friends that we had. I kind of wish that I would see someone, so if they asked about you I could tell them what you did. 

But also I really hope that I don't run in to anyone because I don't want to tell anyone what you did. I'm somehow still protective of you, even after everything.

Sometimes I really really want someone to ask me about what happened so I could tell them everything. All the details. I would feel so validated to have someone be shocked and appalled with/for me. It would be so nice to have an excuse to cry about what happened, because I guarantee there would be tears in the retelling.

I'm still really struggling, like really really, with the way things ended. I don't feel...closure? Like you took pieces of me and crushed them and walked away and there was no difference in your life. I obviously can't tell for sure, since we don't communicate, but I guess it would be nice to know that somehow you are sad or miss me, too.

I'm sure therapy would help. Not as much as it would help you, but we already know that asking you, no begging you, to get help doesn't do a damn thing.

I am angry. At you. At what you did. At the fact that I'm having such a hard time getting over it.

What really sucks is that I would love to close with some promise of someday, like "maybe someday we can be friends again." I can't say that because realistically I know that will probably never happen. I think that is part of what makes this harder, that this really is it. Minus the pretend conversations that I have with you in my head, there is no future for us.

You were one of my best friends. I know you know that.

I really do wish you the best. And I'm sorry.

Lisa

Weird Things I Do When I'm Alone

Sometimes I wonder if when I'm alone, that is the real me, if that's the person that I should be all the time because when I'm alone no one is judging me but me.

But really, I think I'm a weirdo when I'm alone and I'm not sure the world is ready for all that.

Some (weird) things that I do when I'm alone:

1. I never close the door when I use the bathroom. I think this has to do with self-preservation, like if someone broke in to my house while I was peeing I'd somehow be better prepared for it if the door is open. Also, then there are no surprises when I open the door. I can see/hear it coming.

2. Try on old clothes to see if they fit/gauge how soon they will fit. The answer to this seems to always be "never" but I'm still holding out for a miracle.

3. Cry. Not always. Not even often. But I'd rather be alone to cry about crappy days or stress than drag someone else down with me.

4. Eat Ramen noodles. I love Ramen still but I feel guilty eating it as a meal because I know how bad it is for me, so I eat it when no one else is around. Then I pretend (to myself, because there's no one there to judge me anyway) that I didn't. 

5. Take naps

6. Clean. It is so much easier to do when no one is there to distract/mess up what I just cleaned.

7. Have really intense arguments with people who I may or may not be holding slight grudges against. And by arguments I really mean one-sided conversations where my rhetorical powers are so great that the opposing party is rendered speechless except maybe to say, "You're right..."

I am realizing that I'm not a weird as I thought I was, or as weird as I once was. I must have mellowed in my old age. Or gotten boring.