Ice Skating

It’s been awhile. But my girls did something yesterday that made me so happy that I wanted to write it down somewhere.

Mo is 7 and Mara is 5. They are the best of friends, and there are many ways that they are similar, but also many ways in which they are different. When it comes to trying new things, they are very different. Mo tends to be more willing and excited to take the leap and take a risk. Mara is much more calculating in all of her actions. She always has been, even when she was learning to walk she was so deliberate in each step and each attempt. Trying new things is hard for me, so I understand and sympathize with her.

Well since it is Christmas and winter and we adults are trying to feel the same magic that our children feel every holiday season, we decided to take the girls ice skating yesterday. I think the last time I went ice skating was in high school, and Hondo is pretty sure he has never been. The girls had never been either but Mo did write an assignment at school where she said that she wants to be an ice skater when she grows up. I figured it was time to give it a go.

In the car on our way there we told them that we were going to go ice skating today. And immediately Mara says, “I don’t want to go. I’m too scared!” 

So I’m driving and Hondo is in the passenger seat and before either of us can even say anything we hear Mo jump in and say “Just hold my hand. Squeeze it! Just keep squeezing and you’ll be okay.” 

I can’t even explain how amazing it is to be the mom of these two truly wonderful girls.

Ice skating was fun, even though it still took some convincing for Mara. But we all did it and practiced being brave. 

Grandpa, Tell Me 'Bout the Good Old Days

Today I'm sad.

When I was a sophomore in college I decided to be a vegetarian. I had a quite traumatic experience the summer before, where I was driving to my parents new home with Stef and I hit and I think killed a deer. It was awful and an experience I would wish on no one. I crie and cried and the car I was driving was in the shop for a month because there was so much damage. It was a blessing that Stef and I weren't hurt other than emotionally.

So anyway, vegetarians (according to the PETA website at the time) save 90 animals lives by abstaining from meat products for 1 year. I decided that to give what little restitution I could for the deer's life I had taken, I wouldn't eat meat for at least 1 year (though I ended up going for 2.)

I was fine with not eating meat in general and I've always been a bit picky about the meat I eat anyway so it wasn't a difficult transition for me to make. But I was nervous about telling my family, particularly my Grandpa on my mom's side. Grandpa has always been an avid hunter. He hunted for sport, but also provided meat for his family and my family growing up, often the only meat we had. My Dad and Uncle Dan also hunted a lot, though my Dad hasn't gone for several years. I was expecting my family and Grandpa in particular to make fun of me, maybe make some comments about my choice etc. I was nervous about feeling judged or anyone else thinking that I was judging them for their choices. So I called my mom  and said something dramatic like, "I need to tell you something." And my mom literally said, "You're a vegetarian."

Moms just know, man.

And I'm like yeah uh how'd you know and she's just smart like that I guess. I told her that I was scared to tell Grandpa and she was like I'll take care of it. (Once again, Mom FTW).  This was just a few days before we were heading home for Early Christmas, which is a Gray family tradition we did every year since I was a kid with my Mom's side of the family. Holly and I got to the house late and it was dark and they were all waiting to have dinner with us when we walked in. And my amazing Grandpa took my hand and led me into the kitchen to proudly show me what he picked up for me in the way down from the store.

It was a vegetarian lasagna.

And I'm the luckiest person on earth because even though it wasn't something he necessarily believed in or agreed with my Grandpa loved me and he wanted to make sure I would have something to eat for dinner.

Grandpa passed away this week and even though I got to know him for 29 years it wasn't long enough. I know that I have been so, so blessed to actually know Doug Gray, not on a superficial level but really got to know him and have memories of times where he did things just for me and took care of me and my family and I'm not ready to let go of that relationship. I have so many stories about my Grandpa that I could tell. He could make me mad and make me laugh all at the same time. He told off-color jokes and never laughed harder than when he made my Grandma uncomfortable. They have always been a unit to me. I'm starting to ramble so I'll close and just say I love you Grandpa, and I already miss you a lot.

My Dream Home

When it comes to things like home design and baby names, I am surprised how much I've discovered that I am a product of my environment. Hondo and I have been house hunting for like a year, seriously for the last 4 months. And our tastes each reflect where we grew up! Hondo comes from Las Vegas, and he loves desert style home, Spanish or Mexican looking Adobe ones. And I love cabins! Mountain girl through and through.

I've come to believe that there is no such thing as a perfect house, at least nowhere near my price range. The house we are buying has a lot of elements that we love, like a big kitchen with double ovens, a large deck in a big backyard, wood floors, big windows...I am excited to make the house into what we want though. Most updates will be cosmetic, with maybe one larger renovation down the road. 

But my dream house is probably a giant cabin in the mountains, big enough for my whole family to stay. Mountain views and forest quiet are my happy place. Having a cabin somewhere is a legit goal of mine. We found several during our home search and I honestly was happy to forego purchasing an actual home and just spend all our money on a vacation home. 

We'll save that for later though.

All the Places I've Lived (and my fav so far)

This post comes at an interesting time for me, as we are in the process of buying our first house. A house for the Guzman/Mahan family. So I'm about to move! My favorite thing. (Heavy sarcasm implied)

I grew up in a small house in Broomfield, which I never thought of as that small but as an adult have realized how tiny that house was. I lived there my entire life until I left for college, which is rare for most people and especially renters. I loved the house for the home and family it was, and I visit it often in my dreams. 

Freshman year at BYU, I moved in to the dorms with 5 other girls. I went to school full-time and worked full-time, a necessity for me all through college. The dorms were fun but I'd never go back.

My first summer back in Broomfield after college was the summer my parents moved to Montrose. That summer Jen, Stef, Holly, and I lived in that tiny house while all working for the city of Broomfield. We had a blast and I credit this time for allowing me to get to know several of my siblings significant others really well, which I appreciated even more as they married. 

Sophomore year was spent in a crappy apartment south of campus with 3 of the same roommates, which was good and bad. Some epic roommate fights happened in that apartment. Drama for real.

Summer was again in the Broomfield house, this time just Jen and I. Good times were had by all.

Junior year Holly and I decided to live together again in a tiny crappy house (we nicknamed "The Peach House") with some unknown roommates who were nice but odd. We actively avoided going home and I would often just sit outside in my car. That's how bad it was.

Summer lead me back to Broomfield with nowhere to live, and I spent the first few weeks crashing on couches and living out of my car until my amazing boss Dawn and her husband Paul offered me their spare room. I actually loved living with them, they were amazing and nice to me and let me use their DVR and pool all summer. I got real good at parallel parking in that place. The summer was hard because Jen and I were both suffering from broken hearts, but we rallied for each other and got through it.

Senior year I moved in with the newly married Glems. Holly got me a job down the street from the apartment at Pinnacle Security, which carried over for several years. The newlyweds were fun to live with, plus Jeff came halfway through and we became close in a brother/sister who fight all the time kind of way. 

My last summer in Broomfield was next, living in Jen's vacant town home with my new puppy Viva. It was a good summer, full of dumb decisions of thankfully no lasting effect. 

My return to Orem put me back on another couch, jobless. Luckily I got rehired at my old job and found an apartment in the same complex as Holly. This was the year Eric had cancer, so I was grateful I ended up close by to help Holly in any way I could. January of 2010 was when I met Hondo and we started dating later that year. 

I lived with Holly and Eric one more time before getting married in Feb 2011, and Hondo and I moved into the condo we are still in 2 weeks later. 5.5 years in one place after all that bouncing around has been nice, but we are very ready and excited for our new house!

My fav living place is for sure Broomfield. But my favorite home is this new one I'm building with my own family. I'm so excited for my girls to have a house and a yard. I will miss this condo for the memories made, but I am ready to move.

Favorite Time Wasters

Day 2 of our Lucky 3 challenge is something that I am a pro at. Wasting time. For me wasting time typically = procrastinating. Case in point: this is day 2 of our blog challenge and it was supposed to be written on June 18th and here I am writing on July 1. Girls Camp is my excuse!

I waste time in typically ways, Facebook, Instagram, my new favorite Snapchat. I don't consider reading to be a waste of time and I do that a lot, but sometimes it is in the name of procrastination.

Sometimes I fall into a Dr. Pimple Popper YouTube hole, which I know is so gross but I can't look away. I don't watch many youtube videos though so I can hardly claim that.

I waste time in the morning mostly, laying in bed as long as possible or going back to bed. I'm just not a morning person and my bed is really comfy.

I think having kids helps/hinders with getting anything done. Helps because if I am not doing laundry or cleaning or packing for a trip because I'm playing or chatting with my girls, I don't count it as time wasted. But also I can procrastinate because they need me all day long. Pros and cons I guess.

Someone I Admire

I'm overthinking this already and it's only day 1 of what is supposed to be a fun blog challenge with my family. I think I just am having a hard time pinning down one person who I admire most, because I admire so many that to focus on one is difficult. Instead, I am focusing on a trait that I admire in many people I know, and that is to show up.

I (along with most of my sisters) am a classic loyal friend, almost to a fault. I have been hurt before by expecting the same loyalty from people who are not loyal in the same way, or not in ways I think to expect. But this is one thing that if you do it, we'll be friends for life. 

I don't know when showing up for your friends became harder...maybe after college when we all stopped living together? After high school? Who can say for sure, but to me the most basic aspect of friendship is to show up.

 Has it been months since you've spoken? Show up anyway. There is not a baby or bridal shower on earth, no birthday party or wedding, no BBQ or coffee date that is not going to be worth it. (And I hate bridal and baby showers!) 

It took me a long time to learn this, and I'm not perfect at it. I can be flaky. But seriously, the thing I find consistently in friends and family that I admire is that they show up. For anything and everything. Til death do us part.

Thanks, friends, who taught me this lesson and who have showed up in my life.

San Diego

I'm blogging again!!! Crazy I know. 

To get right to it, Hondo and I have not taken a vacation vacation in 2 years. The last trip we went on was to Ireland in 2014. We have been working hard to save money and pay off debt so we can buy a house, and vacations were not a priority. 

Fast forward to about a month ago and Hondo in particular was going a bit crazy. Doing the same thing every day with no breaks and nothing to look forward to becomes wearing. We had talked about how fun it would be to take a family vacation, since we've never gone anywhere but to visit family with the girls. Hondo was so stir crazy that he started planning trips that were way too expensive and repeatedly saying "I don't care how much it costs." I had to step in and purchase our trip before he went way overboard.

San Diego had been discussed by us before, and in searching for tickets I found a decent semi-last minute deal on Delta. I booked our flights, found a cute little Airbnb close to the beach, and off we went.

Aside from RUDE people on our flight there, the girls did fabulously and we  got to CA in no time. Our house was only about 15 minutes from the airport, in Ocean Beach. The location was even more perfect than we had realized. Being blocks away from the beach also means blocks away from shops and restaurants. So once we dropped our stuff off we walked down the road to a Cuban bakery called Azucar. Hondo grew up eating Cuban food (his grandfather was Cuban) and I quickly fell in love with it once I tried it. There aren't any Cuban restaurants in Utah so we were excited to find one so close by. We got Cuban sandwiches (obviously the best) and tried the papa rellamas (if you have the means, eat these ASAP!) plus a few of the desserts. IT WAS SO GOOD!!! I wanted to go back while we were there but sadly there were to many other good places to try.

After eating lunch we headed to the ocean. I was so excited for the girls to see it for the first time. I didn't see the ocean until I was 17 (which was coincidentally also in San Diego) so I was happy to give them the same experience early on. Plus I love the beach! 

The temperature outside was about 64 and cloudy, so you can imagine how freezing the water was. Mara is not really a water fan, so once she felt the cold on her toes she turned around and ran in the other direction as fast as she could. Mo was much more excited, and she played in the water the whole time we were there. Her squeals of delight were exactly what we wanted to hear. Hondo and I both instantly felt relaxed and refreshed. There's just something about the ocean.

Since it was so cold, we only stayed for about an hour before heading back to the house. For dinner we kept it simple and just ordered pizza. Since we had a full kitchen Hondo also went to a local store and bought tons of fruit, which we successfully ate over the course of our stay. 

Sunday morning we got ready and walked to a restaurant called Old Town. It  was a diner style place that only serves breakfast. We liked it. Then we decided to head to the San Diego Zoo. It was still kind of cold so we bought the girls some souvenir hoodies from the gift shop that they wore all day. We rented a double stroller, too, which I don't think we would've lasted without it. The zoo is so huge that even though we walked around for 3 hours I didn't feel like we saw that many animals. We did wait in line to see the pandas which I thought was really cool. The girls had fun but were tired and cranky so after eating some awful zoo food we left. Maybe they'll enjoy it more when they're older?

We headed to the beach again as soon as we got home. Once again Mo played and played in the sand and water while Mara sat wrapped in her beach towel and looked for seashells. Kids are funny. 

Dinner was Jack-in-the-Box, my favorite and also not available in Utah. The place we stayed was an adorable 2 bedroom 1 bathroom house, and the  girls loved it. They shared a bed in one of the rooms and felt very at home. They play so well together, we're very blessed. 

Monday we didn't have any specific plans for the day so we headed to breakfast at Hash House A Go Go, which we've had before in Vegas and enjoyed. We also tried to go to a place called Snooze which was just up the road, but the wait was over an hour there. Our CO friends have probably heard of it or been there in Denver or Boulder--apparently it is a super popular place to brunch! 

After breakfast we spent some time just relaxing and reading at the house. It was so nice to just hang out and have no stress or agendas. The weather that afternoon was supposed to clear up a bit finally, so we waited until the afternoon to head to the beach again. At this point the girls were pretty tired so we didn't stay as long, but the sun did come out and we got to soak it in. 

Dinner that night was within walking distance again, a Thai food place that was delicious. After dinner we walked down to watch the sunset. It was cold so we didn't stay long but it was beautiful.

I mentioned Snooze earlier because on our way to the airport we decided to try to go there again Tuesday morning and I'm glad we did. The host remembered us, and he was excited for us to try the food so he sent a free blueberry lemon pancake to our table to try. It was so good! If you go, totally order that one. It's worth it! We appreciated the gesture for sure, plus the other food we ordered was great. 

Our flight home was quick and easy, both of the girls fell asleep and stayed that way. We were glad to be home after a short but perfect trip. 

PS I wanted to title this post "A Whale's Vagina" but since my parents are like the only people who read my blog and they probably wouldn't remember the Anchorman reference, I didn't. 

Summer is coming...

Winter was rough. I generally don't mind the snow or cold, but with young kids it's hard to be cooped up in the house all day long for months at a time. There are only so many times you can eat at McDonald's (because they have an indoor playground) before you start to lose it a little bit. 

I'm so ready for summer. It's my favorite season, always has been probably always will be. Even though this spring has been a lot more rainy than it has in past years, I'm grateful for even the little sun and warmth we've had.  

This last week was a good one and I feel like documenting it. Saturday was a busy day for us because the girls had their dance recital. It was Monroe's 4th performance, and Mara's 1st. They both we so amazing! It fills me with so many emotions to watch them dance and love it! They each got to perform in a tap number and a ballet number. If I can get part of the videos to work I will but if not let me assure you, they were incredible and adorable. Mara can shake her booty like nobody's business and Mo is becoming braver each time, moving through the dances flawlessly (for a 4-year/old.) Seriously the best.

My mom and Kelli and Holly came up for the recital, which was so great. It's wonderful to have a group of people who also obsess over how amazing my children are. Hondo's mom and sister Jenny and brother Miguel were also able to come. My girls had quite the cheering section.

Time with family is always well spent. Kelli stayed with us Saturday night, my mom stayed with Holly, and we all stayed up much later than normal talking and laughing. My mom gets somewhat honest and fierce when she's tired and Kelli definitely gets punchy so we had a lot to laugh about. I never laugh so much as when I'm with my sisters.

Sunday Mom had to go home, but Kelli was able to stay because her summer has started. So I had a friend to play with the girls and me this week! We went to the movies, ate lots of Mexican food, went swimming at the Provo rec, stayed up late, went for walks...it was fabulous. I definitely needed the long weekend. 

Kelli had to leave yesterday afternoon (LAME) but Holly and I were gifted tickets to see The Lumineers in SLC last night by our husbands and it was awesome. I've never been to the Red Butte Garden venue and it is small but gorgeous. The view is stunning. Before the show (and even during) Holly and I had some fun trying to get at least one decent picture of the two of us. I haven't laughed so hard in ages. The concert itself was everything you'd want, with great musicians who played all the songs we wanted to hear.

This is my "creepy guy photo-bombing your attempt at a selfie" impression.

This is Holly's "I'm being attacked by this thing called a 'flash' that I've apparently never seen before ever" face.

Monroe also had her Preschool graduation last night. She starts Kindergarten in August! Can you believe it?? She loved her preschool and I know she's going to love elementary school. She's so smart and loves making friends, it's going to be so fun to watch her grow this next year. I'm already so proud of who she is! 

This weekend we are going on our first ever family vacation to San Diego. I'm nervous and excited, this trip is long overdue and we all can use the break from the norm. June will be a busy month for us too! It's bound to be good though!

In case you ever feel like watching a movie with a 4-year-old

My advice? Expect to answer a lot of questions. A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

Like today my girls wanted to watch Sleeping Beauty. This is a list of all the things Mo asked/said in the first half of the movie.

Where are they walking?

Are they walking to the Princess Baby Aurora?

Everybody's there!

We only have one Sleeping Beauty.

Mom, what are those green things falling down to her?

But why does the magic flow down?

It's how it gets on her of the gifts so she knows that she has gifts?

Mom why is Maleficent coming?

What is she mad about?

She's mad that she wasn't invited? Cuz they didn't invite her there?

Why does she want to bestow a gift on the child?

What is that stick she's using? What does she use that for?

They want the baby to stay alive!

But when Maleficent tells her to touch the spinning wheel she touches it. Then she falls down and goes to sleep but she doesn't wake up but the fairEs make everyone go to sleep but that doesn't work for her. 

But Prince Phillip kisses her when he follows the fairies...why is everyone watching the fire? Why do they want to see everything burn?

What did she just say?

What would make her happy?

She wants Maleficent to turn into something else so she wouldn't hurt the princess?

When did she ruin her nicest flowers?

She has an idea! The red fairy has an idea that they can do! They're gonna take the princess and hide so Maleficent won't see her.

Why are they watching the fairies?

Are they a little worried? Why are they a little worried?

Why are they worried their daughters gonna get hurt?

So that's why they're scared?

What is she mad about?

She's mad they couldn't find the baby?

Why could they not find the baby?

But they're looking for Sleepy Beauty?

They want to get her to prick her finger?

I think Maleficent turned into a little like circle green and that makes Aurora prick her finger.

They couldn't find the cottage where sleepy beauty is? Cuz it's too far away?

Why are they gonna do a party for her?

Are the gonna plan a party while she's going to pick berries?

Are they going to surprise her?

What is she using that for?

She's trying to make a dress but she doesn't know how? Why doesn't she know how?

Why don't they tell us about it?

Mom can I wait for a snack a little bit later?

Mom you forgot you were gonna take a shower.

Why are you not taking a shower?

Why does she think she'll be back before they get started?

They really want to hurry? Cuz they're worried that Aurora's gonna come back really fast? So that's why they want to hurry?

Where are they going?

But why is he running?

He wants to see who's singing?

But why is he gonna fall when the horse is too fast?

Why is he mad?

Why is he mad that he fell?

So that's why he doesn't want to give him carrots? Cuz he's really mad?

Has she haven't seen Prince Phillip?

Why are they making sad faces?

What kind of dream is it?

Well does the squirrel see some clothes?

So that's why the squirrel thinks the owl can wear it?

Why did they hear Phillip?

Why are they trying to hurry?

Are the shoes just walking?

The bunnies are walking in the shoes? So that's what's making them walk?

Why is Prince Phillip watching the princess? Cuz he was wondering where his clothes is?

So that's why he found the princess? What the?

Why did Prince Phillip do that?

Why is she trying walk away from him?

Cuz she doesn't know him?

Why doesn't she have any shoes on?

Why?

Sleeping Beauty doesn't wear shoes when she goes outside?

Why does she have to go back to the cottage?

Why are they falling on the broom? Cuz it's not cooked yet?

Why is she looking all around the chair?

She was looking for a place for the dirt but she used her magic wand?

Why are they making things move? Why does magic make things move?

Is she dancing with the broom?

What the...?

Why are they doing that to each other? Why are they trying to put colors on each other?

Why did the bird find the cottage? Cuz he saw the magic? Uh oh!

Now they're both mad!

She wants it pink.

Why are they hiding?

Why did they say surprise?

Why is she upset?

Because the fairies don't want her to see the boy? Cuz they don't know his name?

Are they feeling a little sad?

What are they singing with their cups?

It's like cheers?

Sometimes you hiccup.

Why is he moving his feet so weird?

He's drunk?! What's drunk?

Why are they mad at each other?

Why is he asleep?

I can't even continue. If you made it this far you're a trooper. I'm going to take the aforementioned shower.

My Mara

Just over 2 years ago, we were a family of 3. Mo was 2 and 2 months when Mara was born, and I wrote this post to commemorate our short time as just the three of us before we became the four of us in September. 

Now here we are, and Mara is about the same age that Mo was when she was born. Well, almost 1 month older, but close enough. Since I've had 2 kids, I feel like I just naturally post less and less on this blog and on social media in general. Maybe Instagram, but not much elsewhere. So many people do not have the privilege of knowing much about little Miss Mara, my perfectly adorable rascally baby girl. This is me attempting to describe her as she is now.  It is difficult to capture anyone's personality well in writing, but I will try.

Mara is a rascal in the best possible way. She is such a good kid, she does listen and behave well, yet she has this impish side that is at time hilarious and frustrating at times. Sometimes the most frustrating thing is trying not to laugh while disciplining her. It's interesting having a second child, to try and figure out how much of her behavior is learned and how much is innate. Mo has always been a bit more dramatic, reacting emotionally, with tears, to small scrapes or bruises (of which she has plenty). Mara is a bit tougher skinned, but still melts into tears at the smallest pain, except as soon as I say to her "Are you okay?" those tears magically disappear. Which leads me to believe this particular behavior is learned from her older sister. 

This is marker

But on her own, Mara is hilarious. Even as a baby, Mara has loved to be funny. She likes when we laugh at her crazy antics. Currently, she is obsessed with changing her clothes. She knows how to dress and undress herself, which is at times great and annoying. It's nice when she can get herself ready to leave the house, but when she is on her fifth dress of the day and the dirty clothes are piling up, I get a bit annoyed. But I pick my battles, and her changing clothes constantly is not hurting anyone or really leading her to do anything she shouldn't. She and Mo are particularly obsessed with their Halloween costumes, where they were both Cinderella, or as Mara says "Cinderelly."

Two Cinderellas, a baby, and Harry Potter

Mara also loves to give and receive compliments. She'll put on a new dress and immediately throw her arms out like "taa daa!" but say, "It's pretty! you like it?" which we of course assure her we do. But she'll also compliment me on random things, like "Mom, I like your booty, it's so pretty." which just makes me laugh. 

She loves to be a princess, and the other day when we found some headbands with crowns attached at the Beehive Bazaar in Provo I bought them for the girls. In the car on the ride home I hear Mo say, "Mara! You don't have to keep your arms up the whole time!" and I turned around to see this:

How else are you supposed to sit when you're fabulous?

Mo and Mara are best friends and it makes my heart so happy. They play so well together, and are mostly great at sharing and taking turns. Of course they fight sometimes, but they are so cute and funny. Mara has never laughed at anything as hard as she laughs at Mo. I'm so grateful that I have both of them.

The best way to explain how Mara talks is that she is earnest about anything and everything. Like right now she's sweeping my kitchen, and she has to come update me and Gramma, "I'll be one minute. I'm sweeping and it's really hard."

She is so smart. I confess I haven't been as dedicated to sitting down with her and working on her letters and numbers as I was with Mo, but she has picked up so much knowledge on her own. She sings all the nursery songs all the time, and can count to about 12 unassisted, although once she hits 12 she starts to repeat 8 9 10 11 over and over. 

She is ridiculously loud. She plays loud and sings loud and even dances loud. She hasn't started dance classes herself yet, but she sees Mo in her dance classes and therefore loves to pretend that she is going to dance class all the time. I'm sure once she starts her own dance class, probably next year, she'll love it. 

Her little voice is so cute. I wish I could record her and Mo talking and laughing all day long. There are hard things. I mean, she is 2. So she is testing boundaries often, and we are both learning how to better deal with the overflow of emotions that come with growing up. But she is one of the best surprises I've ever had, and I am so so blessed to have her and her sister. I love you my Mara. 

How Are You?

When most people ask, they probably don't really want to know. It's just a convention, and automatic response to a greeting. So most of the time I can respond with a simple, "Good how are you?" or on an awkward day, "Nothing" followed by, "oh, uh, i mean good. I'm good." (we've all done this, I know, but I swear it happens to me more often than most.)

For me lately though, it's when people ask me "How are you?" and they are people who I know for a fact genuinely care about how I am that I find myself at a loss with what to say. I mean, I am good. I'm fine. I'm good, maybe not great. But I'm good. Do you believe me yet?

I'm not really struggling other than with myself. I just feel a bit purposeless. I've had this feeling before and it goes away usually but it's kind of lingering lately. I love spending time with my kids, being home is a huge blessing and I'm grateful that I am able to take care of them myself. And yet...

When a person I love asks me how I'm doing, I want to be able to respond and tell them about me. About what is happening in my life. The problem is, there isn't a lot going on in my life. Most of the time, my life is what is happening to my kids' lives. Which is probably true of a lot of parents who stay home with their kids during the day.

It drives me nuts when I feel like people only care about me because of my children. I would like for them to care about my kids, don't get me wrong, but I would also like them to care about me. ME. Lisa. One of the biggest places I experience this is social media. If I post a picture of my kids, I generally get about twice as many responses as I do if I just say something about myself. So I don't post on social media that much because, frankly, I feel like nobody cares. 

So the question is, how am I? 

Well, I wish I had more to do. Maybe a job would be good, although I kind of hate the idea of just working for working's sake. I would love to do something that makes me feel like I am making a contribution to the world. 

My kids do need me. But they need me less and less as they grow. Which is awesome and sad at the same time. 

It's okay. I really don't have any room to complain. My life really is good. Enough about me. How are you?

My Top Ten or Eleven Reads of 2014

The end of the year. Everyone's favorite time to put out lists upon lists of all the best things from this year, and also the best things to look forward to about next year.

At the beginning of 2014, I made a goal for myself to read 30 books this year. I chose 30 because in 2013 I only read 14 books. When I was in college, I had to read 30 books for 1 class, in a semester where I was taking 5 classes. So I figured 30 should be doable easily, if I just read more consistently.

Goodreads, which I love, has a place where you can set a book challenge for yourself for the year and then as you add your read books and reviews, it neatly puts them together and tells you how you're doing in your own challenge. If you look through mine, you will see that consistent reading was not done, not even a little bit. I think I read about 5 books in the first 6 months of 2014, then played catch up the last few months, reading 7 books in September and then 10 in December to accomplish my goal. But I did it!

Not all of these books were published in 2014, but this was the year that I read them. The following books are the ones that I rated the most highly on Goodreads. I hope you can find something that you may like, too.

11. Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins

My review: 4 stars
This book is so cheesy. So unbelievably cheesy. I'm talking Twilight Bella gushing about Edward cheesy, and I ATE IT UP. I'm not ashamed to admit it either.

Anna is an American from Atlanta who has been "cruelly" (but really, get over yourself) forced to attend her senior year of high school at an American school in Paris. She is so upset to be leaving her best friend Bridgette and crush Toph behind. But then on her very first day there she meets Meredith, her dorm neighbor, and Mer invites her into her group of friends. So she is so sad that she is alone in Paris but she makes friends immediately and keeps them through the whole school year. You're probably judging me for liking this already but whatever.

In this group of friends is Etienne St. Clair, a half-American half-French kid raised in London so he has a British accent. His one flaw is that he is short. But the way Anna and everyone else is in love with him, his height is clearly not an issue. The story goes through their whole senior year, with Etienne still having a girlfriend who is in college in Paris complicating the relationship.

I can't even really relate how cheesy it is. It's just awful. But I loved it. Anna and St. Clair become "best friends" but obviously that is not true and they totally love each other the whole time. It builds and builds until SPOILER ALERT they admit they love each other and get together. The end.

The characters are pretty one-dimensional, but for a story like this, they have enough depth to keep it interesting. It is good that Anna has some realizations about what kind of friend she is and how she needs to improve. And the way she feels when she does go home to Atlanta and everything is different--I think we've all felt that way at some point, and it's a hard but good thing to learn about. 

I would recommend this book to anyone who enjoys Twilight and the like. I loved the Paris setting as well because I'm in love with Paris.

10. Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed

My review: 4 stars

I enjoyed this story. I wonder why it seems that it takes some sort of epic sadness or tragedy for a lot of people to be inspired to travel or do crazy things in the world. 

Cheryl Strayed had a crazy messed up life. It must have taken years of therapy (beyond just being in nature) for her to really heal and tell this story.

It doesn't sound like a glorious experience and it does at the same time. Like there are awful things, like how painful it was and she lost 6 toenails and was always sore from walking 20 miles a day and at one point she lost her boots and had to wear sandals to hike for several days until she could even reach a point to get new ones
but being alone in the wild would be exhilarating. Just nature and you and nothing else. I don't think I would ever be...crazy...enough to do the Pacific Coast Trail, but she made the Appalachian Trail sound interesting enough. Maybe someday. I'm not much of a hiker.

It's interesting how much of the story came about and was worth telling due to her lack of preparedness. I'm sure a lot of people have great tales to tell about their hiking adventures, but things are always better when something goes not quite perfectly. Maybe because it gives us something to root for, and let's face, people love an underdog.

I hope in my own life that it won't take a divorce or death for me to go on adventures. But I was happy that Strayed found some sort of healing and was able to share it in this way.

9. The Joy Luck Club  by Amy Tan

My review: 4 stars

I have a strange pattern when it comes to reading books that are slow in the beginning--I start out and take my sweet time, reading a bit here and there and putting the book down sometimes for weeks (or more at a time), and then when I decide to read the book again, I pick it up and finish it in the matter of a day or two. I don't know why this is, but it is a trend, and this trend has once again happened when I read The Joy Luck Club.

It does have a slow start. The stories are all interesting but since the connections between them are harder to recognize in their introductions it feels a bit disjointed. But as each voice tells her story and the connections between them, connections between people and places and then connections between mothers and daughters, become apparent it was much more enjoyable. 

I cried. I want to cry and cry. The mothers come from such amazing and tragic beginnings, all of them. How do people live through such tragedy? I don't know that I could do it. I pray I never have to.

I wonder so much at how it would be to live in another country even now. The daughters all struggled to appreciate their mothers and vice versa, which is so hard. It's a good moral to take away, to appreciate where you come from and try to understand how it makes who your parents are, and how that in turn makes you who you are. 

The mother Suyuan Woo who had to leave her twin baby girls on the side of the road as she fled for her life. I can't handle it. I don't want to spoil the ending but I will say it was beautiful and so extremely bittersweet for them. Yin-ying St. Clair's story was so interesting. It's crazy to imagine that you could go your whole life and not know anything about your parents' lives. And apparently not really care? I felt like there was some understanding and healing that came to each set of mother-daughters as they grew. I wish there had been more, but not in a way that is critical of the author. More in a way that I loved their stories and wanted for them to find that common ground and be happier together. I think Waverly Jong was the least likable daughter of them all. 

I was told before I read this that it was sometimes difficult to remember who belonged to whom since the chapters are so spread and random. I agree with that, and did find myself going back to refresh my memory of which story was tied to which and how. It would have been easier if I hadn't taken a break in reading from the first part to the rest but that is my own fault. I would recommend this book for sure to mothers and daughters.

8. Where She Went by Gayle Foreman

My Review: 4 stars

** spoiler alert ** I liked the first one enough to want to read this one and it sucked me in just as much as the first. I liked that it was the story of Adam, obviously I was curious about what happened to Mia but it's so true that a tragic event like the one they all go through in the first book would effect lots of people in lots of different ways.

Adam as a rock star was a classic jerk but instead of hating him for it I pitied him, which it seems like was the intention. He was struggling so much after Mia left and he obviously never dealt with the accident for himself which is probably true of a lot of people who focus on trying to help someone else through hard times.

Even though the ending on this book is more cliche when it comes to "happy endings" I was happy with it. I wanted Mia and Adam to get back together and I think the way that it happens was really good. I think I was even more willing to like the ending because even though they end up together there is still the sadness of her family being gone, and other big changes like him leaving the band. I didn't like it quite as much as the first but I'm still glad I read it and would recommend them as a set to anyone.

7. If I Stay by Gayle Foreman

My review: 4 stars

Whew this is a super emotional book. I kind of think that for some reason when I read a book for the first time and it's a really sad, tragic type book I don't cry as much as you would think. But then once it's over and I have time to think about and process the story, then I cry. Probably will be the case with this one although tears did fall at least twice while I read.

I'm glad I read the author's notes and discussion questions afterward because I don't think I would have overtly noticed or really taken a second thought about how Mia's parents lives effect her life and her decisions so much. As a parent though it is really interesting to consider that side of things. I was appropriately horrified a the descriptions of her parents bodies after the accident, holy graphic. I'm glad the author omitted describing her brother Teddy afterward although I'm sure that was probably because she didn't really want to imagine it either. 

I was surprised at how short the book was but it seemed to be a perfect length, not dragged out at all which could have been done considering the subject matter. 

I really appreciated the authentic high school relationship that was portrayed, how things changed between Mia and Adam once they realized they may not be living in the same place after school is over. I think high school love can still be real love but I'm glad it wasn't sugarcoated. And really, I loved the other characters more than Adam I think. Kim and Gramps are the two that stand out to me, although Willow's strength is admirable and how I imagine nurses in most cases to be. I liked that whether she stayed or not was not just about Adam, it was about her whole life with all of these people.

I would recommend this to anyone who enjoys YA lit. Well written and moving. I'm sure I'll be thinking about it for days and am already considering buying the next one.

6. Life After Life by Kate Atkinson

My review: 4 stars

** spoiler alert ** What did I think? I've given myself a day to process everything before writing the review and I'm still not sure I can do justice to what I'm feeling about this book. I loved some things about it, and others were tedious and boring. The first almost 200 pages were rough. Even though I understood the premise going into it, I still struggled to understand what was happening for a lot of the first part. I still think that maybe repeating the birth so many times in the beginning was maybe not necessary. Once she was a child it started to make a little bit more sense thankfully, but I really had to just power through those first parts of the book.

Once Ursula turns 16 for the first time and everything awful happens in that version of her life, I could hardly put the book down. There were still a few chapters that were a bit disjointed and confusing but they did end up making sense as the story went on.

I loved getting a view point of so many different parts of WWII through her different lives. I can't imagine the horror of living through those bombings. The one where she was stuck in Germany and chose death over starving with her daughter was so crazy. I really appreciated that point of view because so often we hear how awful things were for so many people and even though Germans started the war, those people suffered too. I was grateful that out of all of her lives she only ever had a child in that one. I think it would have been even sadder and more difficult to get through if she kept having and losing children over and over. Losing her father each time was awful.

I have a theory that maybe Teddy was experiencing the same type of thing. I feel like it alludes to the possibility first when he says to her "What if we could do it again and again, do you think we would ever get it right?" (paraphrasing here, I don't have the book handy.) And then the fact that he lives in the war after he had died--there really wasn't an explanation as to why that happened that time, it didn't seem that there was anything that Ursula could have done differently to save him. UNLESS people's theories that Izzie's child Roland was the person who shot Teddy down originally and in that life he died young, but I'm not sure how that fits in...chronologically? Can there be a chronology when it's the same life over and over?

I'm glad I didn't give up on it and that I kept reading. I believe it was worth it. I'm so interested in the author's thought process and overall writing process, I'll have to find out more about Kate Atkinson just out of curiosity. It was well written overall and a very unique idea.

5. The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion

My review: 4 stars

** spoiler alert ** I knew as soon as I started reading that I would enjoy this book. I have a thing for awkward people, probably because I am a slightly awkward person myself (which has more to do with anxiety than actual social ineptness.)

Don Tillman is a character who is seems has Asperger's, but he is the narrator and never realizes it on his own, although all the indications are there and his friends try to lead him to that conclusion. I liked that regardless of whether or not he understood his own social differences or not, he viewed the abilities of people with Aspergers positively, and quickly identified strengths in those personalities with little regard for possible weaknesses.

Don is amusing without always meaning to be, but it never feels like the point was to make fun of him. He decides to embark on what he calls "The Wife Project," to meet the perfect match for himself. He creates a questionnaire to eliminate any women who would not be suitable. After several unsuccessful attempts at dating he turns the reins of choosing over to his best friend Gene. When Gene sends a woman ask Don a question, Don mistakenly thinks that she was sent as a prospective match and immediately asks her to dinner. This woman's name is Rosie.

Rosie has her own issues. I liked that she is a fun and good person with her own issues, but not the "manic pixie" persona that seems to be popular in the last few years. She doesn't sweep in to save Don from himself, more like he realizes that maybe he could live his life a certain way and not because she takes him on some grand journey and changes him. Yes, he changes, but he does so of his own accord and she loves him for who he is before he even attempts those things.

Rosie has a desire to find out who her biological father is, and that search is a huge basis for their relationship. As Don slowly helps her with the "Father Project," he falls for her.

The story was entertaining and fun to read. There is some language, which doesn't bother me but I include for recommendation purposes. I would recommend this to pretty much anyone. I really enjoyed it and would definitely read the sequel.

4. The Children Act by Ian McEwan

My review: 4 stars

Ian McEwan is one of the best authors I've ever read. His ability to write astounds me with each book of his that I read.

I admire so much an author's ability to write about something controversial and be able to tell the story well enough that you still genuinely have no idea what the result will be, or which side the book will end up on (if any.) The setting of this story is perfect for an impartial presentation of both sides of the issue, since Fiona is a high court judge tasked with working on family court cases. The situation is set up well from the beginning, with descriptions of other high profile cases that she worked on or other situations where religious beliefs played a role in her decision.

Adam Henry is a 17 and 9 month old teen with leukemia, who is also a Jehovah's Witness. The hospital is applying to the court for the right to perform treatment that includes blood transfusions to save Adam's life, which he and his parents are refusing due to their religious beliefs. Fiona has to hear both sides of the issue and make a decision based on the law while respecting a person's right to religious belief and also considering that Adam is only 3 months away from being a legal adult, in which case he could refuse treatment and the hospital would have to obey his wishes. 

Fiona is in the midst of her own personal crisis, as her husband has asked her for permission to have an affair, which she has refused. He leaves her anyway in the beginning, so she is in turmoil as to the state of her marriage and what actions she will or has taken in regards to that. As a person who deals with divorce daily, she is embarrassed that her actions thus far mimick those couples who she judges as doing all the wrong things. But it is possibly her own personal issues that cause her to take action and go visit Adam in the hospital herself, to determine his state of mind and whether he is capable of making this decision for himself.

I won't spoil the result by telling what decision Fiona comes to in court. I will include that she uses precedent set up by the Children Act of 1989, which act was passed to enforce laws to protect a child's welfare--thus the title.

I wish I could read this book with an entire class and write and hear other people's papers about it. There is so much in it that I feel could be easily and skillfully explored further, the themes of religion and personal rights in regards to age or not, the music theme (Fiona is a relatively skilled pianist and runs through pieces in her head as she deals or doesn't deal with her emotions, and Adam has decided to teach himself the violin since being hospitalized), among others. I want other people to read it so we can talk about it. It leaves you thinking for sure and will not be something that will leave my mind anytime soon.

3. Where'd You Go, Bernadette by Maria Semple

 My review: 4 stars

** spoiler alert ** I haven't loved a book like this in awhile. It was darkly humorous and I really felt like the characters were relatable, the kind of people you know in real life. It was creative and intriguing. The way she described Seattle and how Bernadette hated it--I was nervous because I've always loved that area and have wanted to live there eventually but she made it sound horrible. I was very glad at the end that she came around. I appreciate female characters who are feminists without thinking about it or meaning to be, like Bernatdette as an architect. I was really moved by what happened to her and had to keep reading to find out what would happen later. The only thing that annoyed me was that Elgie got Soo-Lin pregnant--that I think was unnecessary, especially since it turned out he didn't even like her. The resolution was fantastic as well--I was not expecting Bernadette to find her creative outlets where she did but loved the way it all worked out. I would read it again and plan on sharing it with all my reading friends, and will be looking up Maria Semple's other books for sure.

2. And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini

My review: 5 stars

Khaled Hosseini is absolutely a masterful storyteller. I've read his other two books and while they were amazing I think I could comfortable recommend this one to anyone, where with the other two I am cautious because of how difficult the subject matter is. I really felt like in this book I was being taught about life in Afghanistan by learning about various people there and it was a very insightful presentation of life for the people who live/lived in or have been effected by life there. I come away from this reading really feeling like I learned something valuable about the Afghan culture and people. I loved the story that Markos shared probably the most. It never ceases to amaze me how much where we come from matters, how it mattered to the people in this book and effected the choices they made and how it changed them in so many ways. I never felt like I wanted to rush through or skip forward to find out what would happen to other characters because the story of the moment was always interesting and informative

1. Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel

My review: 5 stars

I finished reading this last night and haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I'm debating between rating it as amazing and as I really liked it, but I'm obviously leaning toward amazing.

Arthur Leander is an aging Hollywood actor from Canada, performing in a production of King Lear in Toronto when he dies of a sudden heart attack, on stage in the middle of a performance. And from there the story begins. A man in the audience, Jeevan, who is training to be a paramedic, jumps up and starts CPR. After the ambulance comes Jeevan stops and talks with a little girl, Kristen, who is upset by the events and is alone. Jeevan gets a phone call as he leaves the theater from a friend who works at the hospital, warning him that the Georgian Flu has landed in Toronto and he needs to get out asap. Jeevan goes and buys as much non-perishable food and water as he can from a local store and takes it all to his brother Frank's house, where they barricade themselves in and start surviving.

The story jumps back to other times in Arthur's life, and other people. His ex-wives, Miranda and Elizabeth, are influential in the post-apocalypse world explored in the rest of the book. Miranda is the author of a graphic novel called Station Eleven, about a group of people who escaped Earth and are living in a moon-sized space station. This comic book is given by Arthur to Kristen, who is part of a traveling symphony and Shakespeare company in the post-apocalypse. 

We get to see Arthur as a young man, meeting his best friend Clark, starting and then a few years later ending his relationship with Miranda, and coming back home to Canada for this performance. We get to see Kristen in the after-world, experiencing things that were not so much issue in the before. 

What really struck me was how quiet the world became after 99% of the population is wiped out by disease. I think the quiet of the world is perfectly reflected in the quiet of the writing. Nothing is in your face or over-reaching in description or explanation of the after. I really appreciated and enjoyed that there were shades of rebuilding society, even mixed with the crazy people who inevitably exist. I don't want to give too much away as to the story, but Arthur's life and actions really inform and change the world even though he died before the apocalypse even truly started. It has the same feel as Justin Cronin's The Passage, but I'm glad it wasn't another vampire/zombie story. It is almost more frightening that it isn't, though, because it makes it that much more realistic.

I would recommend this to anyone. The writing is beautiful and accessible, and I would gladly read the other books she has written.

There you go. My year in books. The rest of the books that I read I either gave only 3 or 2 stars to, and those reviews can be found on Goodreads.  I'm thinking of aiming for 40 books in 2015. Any suggestions for what I should read?